PR: Permanently Retarded: Bar Edition

Hello, and welcome to Permanently Retarded: Bar Edition! The rules are simple: contestants take turns recalling first-hand face-palm moments encountered while on the island. If someone takes a pass, they buy that round. Let's get started!

Mad Dog: Medalla Light (there is no regular).

K-ron: Tostones. Are they hockey pucks? Could they be more oil-saturated? Could they lack more flavor? Could they be more ubiquitous?

Miguel: Answering machines. They don't exist. Need to make a dinner reservation, rent a car, or call the hotel? Better hope there's a live person 'cuz you ain't leaving a message.

MD: AC. It is never cold enough outside to not crank the AC and put on a sweater.

K: How many puertoricanos does it take to make a latte at Starbucks? Apparently no less than four, and not in less than nine minutes.

M: Asks waitress who works across from market, "Is the market closed on Sunday?" "Apparently."

MD: Many cultures are known for their sauces: salsa verde, nuoc mam, chimichurri; but the secret is out in PR: a ketchup and mayo mixture grace every table. Depending on the level of refrigeration (or AC) it comes in blanco, reposado and anejo.

K: Renting a car takes three days, ten people, 18 phone calls and memory reconstruction therapy.

M: Guide book says museum is open Sunday. Guard at museum says that it's closed Sunday, but open tomorrow. Upon return, it is still closed.

And that's the end of round one! All our contestants are still in the game, so let's move on to round two!

MD: The only three redeeming aspects of the Bacardi tour are the drink ticket, the other drink ticket, and that it's 10:00 in the morning. Oh--151, which can be used to clean vinyl records and remove nail polish, undergoes a charcoal filtration process to ensure easy drinkability.

K: Cave tour crowd control: get a ticket so you can queue for admission, which entitles you to wait in line for entry, after which you stand around waiting for the tram. Total queueing time: 2:00. Total cave time: 0:45.

M: Cuba Libre. It's a drink. If you ask for a Cuba Li-brA, every one acts like they don't know what you're talking about. If you order a Cuba Lib-ra, out it comes. Keep in mind this is only in the context of a bar, not a political debate.

MD: The local Chinese restaurant is called Han-Cream.

K: Pass.

M: We are in possession of three guidebooks. Not a single one could be considered accurate.

And that's it for round two! Drinks are on K-ron. Final question for all our contestants: what's the single most permanently retarded thing about Puerto Rico?

All: Driving!

Unfortunately, that's all the time we have today. Join us next time for PR: Permanently Retarded: Driving Edition!

Thanks again to our sponsor--Bacardi!