PR: Permanently Retarded: Driving Edition

Given that ethnic and gender stereotypes abound when it comes to automotive piloting, I'm surprised there aren't more associated with Puerto Ricans. They are, without doubt, among the worst on earth. Other cultures have their idiosyncrasies--the Indian horn language, the Arab lane change haggling, Vietnamese chaos theory, the British penchant for driving on the wrong side--but the Puerto Rican motif is defined by a lack of ability to pay attention to the road, or even recognize that they are actually engaged in the task of commanding a hurtling piece of steel as it careens down the macadam. Indeed, it seems as if the only time they are paying attention is when they're doing something so ass-achingly stupid it's nearly guaranteed to end up on the evening news--yet at that point they're doing it purposefully. To wit:

Making a u-turn across four lanes of highway traffic

Backing out of a parking lot into a five-way intersection across three lanes, then stopping

Driving with the hazards permanently on for no reason

Driving 30 in a 55, in the left lane, while everyone tries to pass on the right at 60, except for the guy doing 45, whose left turn signal is jammed and whose radio is tuned to Reggaeton at maximum volume

Driving on the wrong side (narrowly avoided a head-on)

Appropriating the technique commonly referred to as a Polish road block--all lead cars in each lane drive at exactly the same speed, preventing anyone from passing and creating a moving barrier

Not driving at all; it's common practice to simply stop in the middle of the street--not in one lane, in the middle--to chat with one's friends

Parking anywhere you damn well please: in the street, on the lawn, in the driveway

Of course, the population can't be held to entire account. Consider the state of the infrastructure:

We have six different maps; all show the island and indicate that it has roads. After that, the similarity ends. Even for the major thoroughfares, there is significant disagreement.

Speed limits are posted in mph; distances are given in km. I shit you not.

Rentals charge by the gallon; stations pump by the liter.

Lanes are marked only on the biggest highways.

Many roads feature sinkholes. They are always unmarked and noticeably not recent.

There is always a dog in the way.

However, if one is able to achieve a transcendental driving state, a special case of relativity comes into play: one does not transverse the island; one simply enters a vehicle and allows the island to transverse you.